Just imagine. Just imagine actually BEING there on the day when jesus was humiliated to the utmost degree, brutally murdered, and utterly disgraced in front of everyone he knew, including his mother and his best friends. The all mighty, omniscient, most powerful, God. the one who was, and is, and is to come, being spit on. cursed at. denied all of his rights to live. and he didn't do it because they made him. he CHOSE to do this. I know that its such common knowledge, but SERIOUSLY. that is insane to me. he knew, from the dawn of creation, before there were shopping malls, lexus dealers, before there was WATER, he knew that he was going to have to humble himself entirely, all for one measley little person, smaller than a grain of sand. one pesky, annoying, unloving, dark, terrible, disgusting person. This is what i think of when i think of myself. i am nothing. A broken, empty, weak vessel. worth nothing without his existense. And yet not only does he choose to love me and give all for me, he loves me more than his own holy life. he says i am pure, and he says i am beautiful. and i am worth it. he loves me. he loves me. he loves me. its such a simple phrase, but it moves my heart every time it comes across my mind. the holy God, creator of heaven and earth, became a man, died, and chooses to love, all for me. i am his beloved. And all he asks is that i give him my love in return. he just wants me to love him. and i don't even know how to do that. its insane..... when i used to think about heaven, i didn't understand how the saints could just say "HOLY HOLY HOLY" for eternity. but now, even though god has only given me a tiny bit of rebelation, all i want to do at the moment is tell him how holy holy holy he is! and how much i love him. even though my love seems so insignificant, he says it matters. and he says it is his desire. his desire is for me. and that is just..... the most amazing and wonderful thing that could ever be placed upon me. this is true love that he has for me. and it feels good. it actually feels good. it doesn't feel like a phantom God who just judges me. i know that my bridegroom loves me and says that i am his favorite one. and i can feel it. i can feel his kisses on my spirit every morning when i wake up. and i can feel his love for me that surrounds me all throughout my day. it is sooooo amazing. its crazy. and just the fact that he would ever die for me. that he would creat me in the first place is just phenominally mind-blowing. like..... my thoughts are all jumbled together because i have no idea where to start. i feel so small and insignificant, yet so loved and important. its the most amazing feeling in the world. and i can only pray that God will help me stay faithful to him, that i might make it through the seasons in my life where everything seems to be going okay, and still rely on him for my everything. that i might choose to love him even when i feel like i can prosper fine on my own. that i would choose him. i pray that he would help me love him more and more and more every single day. this is my desire, that i would continue to desire him more and more. i am so in love with him, he is so pure and wonderful to me. words can not even describe the joy he brings me, even through the times when i feel so alone, or when i feel so loved. all throughout the seasons in my life so far (even though there have been very few seasons) he brings me joy, and life, and truth. it is so refreshing. i love it. i have never appreciated what he did on the cross more than i do now. i now feel the effects of what it is. i feel his love. i feel the life that he chose to give to me instead of keeping it for himself. gaH! ITS AMAZING!!! 
